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I'm reading through José Rizal's Noli Me Tangere and, as with many older novels, I'm reading through it slowly and writing down passages that I feel like I want to return to. One such passage is this one: 

[The poor] have no novenas, nor do they know the jaculatory prayers or the verses or the oremus the friars have composed to prevent them from developing their own ideas or their own emotions, nor do they understand them. They pray in the language of their misery. Their souls cry for themselves and for the dead whose love belonged to them. Their lips may offer up salutations, but all their minds can do is scream in complaint and screech in lamentation. (p. 90)

And it's a passage that stands out to me because it is a crystallization of many of Rizal's critiques throughout the novel. And these criticisms are felt most acutely by Sisa and her sons, Basilio and Crispín. Sisa is trapped in a loveless, abusive, and neglectful marriage to her husband. Her sons are trapped in servitude to the church, which has a system that is set up to keep them impoverished and indebted in this life forever. While this quotation might paint a bleak picture for the poor, it is a setup to a nuanced view of faith:

You who blessed the poor, and you, shadows in torment, will the simple prayer of the poor make you happy, offered up before a badly engraved print by the light of a timsim? Or do you long for tapers placed before bloody images of Christ or small-mouthed Virgins with glass eyes, or with a priest's mechanical droning of the mass in Latin? (p. 90)

Rizal makes this turn to the second person fairly often. In a way, these shifts to a kind of collective first person or to the second person to bring the reader into the story, to implicate them in the events ("You" who "blessed the poor") is a kind of defining feature of this book, and one of the reasons why, in my opinion, it's an example cited in Benedict Anderson's influential 1983 book Imagined Communities: Reflections on the Origins and Spread of Nationalism. Anderson writes of Rizal's sly acknowledgement of his audience, of this shared community who would know exactly the kinds of characters he is writing about in this novel, thus creating the "imagined community" of Filipinos who read the book—specifically those who are affluent and educated enough to read the criticisms of a major institution. That Philippine national identity has coalesced around this book then is also no surprise: it remains (from what I've heard) a part of a shared national curriculum and canon.

Though I've all but left the Catholic church (I don't know if there's a formal process to leave, or if just not going to church anymore counts enough), I am still fascinated by the structure and the spectacle the Church as an institution continues to draw. With the death of Francis and the choosing of a new pope, my hopes are on the Filipino, not just because he's Filipino, but because if this book was part of a present-day Filipino priest's secular education, then it is no wonder that that priest might focus so much on poverty and be amenable to a more expansive view other social issues.

Anyway, what have you done to uplift the poor today?
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As part of my personal celebration of National Poetry Month, I'm reading through a collection of Selected and Last Poems by Czeslaw Milosz, translated by his son Andrew Milosz. Because it's such a thick book, I'm taking my time with it—more so than I, admittedly, usually take with poetry collections.

One of the most powerful poems so far is one titled "Café." The final stanza goes: 

Sometimes when the evening aurora paints the roofs in a poor street
and I contemplate the sky, I see in the white clouds
a table wobbling. The waiter whirls with his tray
and they look at me with a burst of laughter
for I still don't know what it is to die at the hand of man,
they know—they know it well.
 

It is a devastating ending to a poem that begins with the observation that, of "those at the table in the café" whom the speaker of the poem is remembering, the speaker is the one alone who survived. Given the time and place where this poem was written—Warsaw, 1944—it is a devastating, haunting poem about war and the people we lose. The many lives that are cut short due to state violence (whether inter-state or intra-state).

To me, this is a lament for the living, too. Not only is the speaker alive and mourning the people who are lost, but they are imagining the dead as experiencing a kind of joy in the afterlife that is inaccessible to the living. The people at the wobbling table, the waiter, they are laughing at the speaker for being still alive. This isn't out of cruelty, but the speaker is barred from knowing what they know. The speaker, if all goes well, would never know what they know, and that feeling is bittersweet: they don't want to know what it is to die at the hand of man, but not knowing means that there is something that separates them from their friends, even in death.

When I picked up this collection of poems from the library, I was drawn to Milosz because the cover flaps of the connection spoke highly of his commentary on the tumultuous times he lived through: two world wars and the shifting landscape of violence and revolution that followed after. There have been many connections made between the times we're living in and what happened a century prior, but the way that I make those connections, personally, is through creative writing. Reading Milosz's poems is helping me focus my energy as a reader and writer. What did Milosz see and feel a century before? And what can I learn to see through his poems? 

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I mentioned in my previous post that I'm participating in this year's Trans Rights Readathon. I don't have a specific fundraiser, but there are lots of recommended charities and organizations for folks to donate to in that carrd link.

Right now, I'm in the middle of reading Dear Senthuran by Awkaeke Emezi. I had read The Death of Vivek Oji last year and fell in love with it. That book really kept its hold on me, and I've been a fan of Emezi's work since then. I'm not the biggest fan of nonfiction — I definitely read it much slower than fiction or poetry — but I trusted that Emezi's vivid prose style would remain regardless of genre.

And I was right about that. Early in the book is the chapter "Mutilation | Dear Eugene" and in it, Emezi captures the experience of undergoing a few gender-affirming surgeries, most notably a hysterectomy. As someone who has felt similarly to Emezi about the ability to bear children ("I have always had a violent aversion toward reproduction, toward having a body that was marked by its reproductive potential" on page 12), I feel like I sat up and paid close attention to this chapter — and then felt the experience of the hysterectomy in my body.

I won't go into detail (some of the descriptions of pain and medical procedures might warrant a content warning for the squeamish). But suffice it to say, reading this made me face the reality of the procedure (a nurse reminded Emezi that they "got an entire organ removed from your body" on page 15), but also affirmed, for me, that I want something like this.

I don't think I've ever felt dysphoria, and I have never really questioned my gender. Very few people have questioned my gender, too (barring the years of my early adolescence when a pixie haircut and my aversion to wearing "girly" clothes meant that I was mistaken for one of my brothers a few times). But I've faced similar (though less fraught) hurdles to getting the medical care I really want. The few times I've sat in a doctor's office and tried to raise the possibility of even just a tubal ligation, I've always been subtly redirected towards different birth control options. I don't want kids; everyone seems to be under the impression that I will one day change my mind.

Anyways, I'm greatly enjoying the book. Even though I'm not done with it yet, I feel like it's something I'll recommend to a lot of folks.
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I'm not immune to the human brain's desire to see a line go up, or a number get bigger. I've set Goodreads challenges in past years. I like seeing when my number of books I've read increases month to month (or, if I'm taking a class, week to week).

But I'm also not ashamed to admit that sometimes, when I read a lot of books, I have no clue wtf I just read. And the moment I put a book down, all memory of having read it just *poofs* goes away.

Technically, I read the book. But if you ask me to tell you anything about it or whether the book has added something to my worldview, all I would be able to give you is a bullshit answer.

At the beginning of this calendar year, I tried to do something different: Instead of just randomly and arbitrarily choosing books to fulfill my yearly desire to complete a reading challenge, I was going to read the books that my friends recommended to me. I set up a little Google Form, sent it around, and got a few responses. In addition to just asking my friends what book they would want me to read, I also asked: Hey, do you want to ever meet and chat about these books at some point? Virtual or in-person, synchronous or asynchronous.

Because yes, I want to read more books. But more importantly I want to read books from people I know and love. And I want to know and love them through conversation about a book that maybe they don't get to talk about that often in the rest of their lives.

And, unspoken in all this, is the understanding that I'm not doing this for visibility. Aside from this little post about the project, I haven't posted to Goodreads (we're not on good terms with Goodreads anyway), nor talked publicly about this specific reading habit I'm trying to cultivate in order to get attention.

The books my friends recommend to me aren't the only books I'm reading. (I'm participating in the Trans Rights Readathon, and that is definitely a challenge for public visibility.) But I'm paying extra special attention to them because they came highly recommended to me by people I know and trust. And I'm finding that I'm much more open, much more receptive, to the text when I have that individual connection to someone else who loves this book. It's like creating a mini fandom: I'm doing the work of making meaning in a story with someone else.

I might have more to say about this reading challenge as the year goes on. So far, I've actually already read through the first few recommendations I got from the first time I sent the form around; it's time for round 2, it seems.

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which is Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin, and oh my god, it is AMAZING. Oh my god I'm so hyped. Oh my god this book is so good and I'm only on the first like ten pages or so. I really want to devour this book and post a full review of it somewhere before it's officially released.
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and might have gone on a minor requesting spree. But I got a few accepted requests for titles that looked interesting, so I'm going to try and post reviews on Goodreads! And maybe to here as well. But probably mostly Goodreads tbh because this here journal is a sort of just a dump right now.

Anyway, summer of reading--commence!
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A white coffee mug and a stack notebooks and a book

I love east-facing windows. I wake up with the sunrise, then get some awesome lighting on the morning coffee and book stack.

Currently reading: Insurrecto by Gina Apostol. I tried reading it a few years ago and while I liked it, it was very dense to get through. Reading it now, I feel like I know enough to understand it better, and it's much more enjoyable this time around. Do recommend for unique narrative structure and a wry voice.

(P.S. This is my first time posting an image to Dreamwidth. How's it look?)

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